My Satisfied Mind

At the garage

2012-01-11T11:31:00.003-05:00

i had fun this morning, i got to go spend it at the car garage with a guy who thinks he is gods gift to women. sigh, i like going there because the prices are reasonable but the guy at the receiving desk is a pain. according to him, i am the most beautiful woman alive... something id eagerly agree with if it werent so obvious he has mastered the pickup line like ive mastered knowing desmond has a booger that needs to be picked through e.s.p... yes, uncanny abilities i think. maybe i have jedi blood in me. maybe "phil" has jedi blood too. maybe we are brother and sister which makes things even grosser than usual.

so anyways, im sitting in the main waiting area, bored out of my mind, hoping my car isnt going to cost a ton. i mean, i voluntarily brought it in after persistent noises coming from the back end of the vehicle. youd think ive been driving around with a pair of over... enthusiastic teenagers in the back. anyways, i digress... i was in the middle of telling you i was bored.

what do you do when you are bored? i play with my phone, looking at pictures mostly. browsing the internet for excitement... you know, important stuff like that. i figured id take you on a ride to the depths of my cell phone social life. thrilling isnt it? i think so. so here we go, ill just post pics of what i was doing, ill keep things simple since it already seems im in a talkative mood. i promise to keep it short with the descritions, nothing of this smart a*s comments. ha!

ok, so i found this in my photo album, must have saved it in december... you know the whole new years resolution crap. uhm... i like the top border, its pretty, country like

im sitting in the lobby... wondering if someone will come sit in front of me. i feel all alone...

oh yeah... i took a pic of all my key chain store cards... i swear i feel like a piñata when i pull my keys out of my purse. plus, they dont make things easier for you, i still have to browse through them when i go shopping... when i was younger i used to roll my eyes at little old ladies when they counted their pennies... now the younger generation rolls their eyes at me when i go through my keychain looking for that ever elusive store card. but its ok... one day all these bratty a*s kids will have their following generation roll their eyes at them too. now there is a new app, key chain app you know! i dont care... ill be a hip granny, ill be the first one to get the key chain implant on my forehead. they will just have to aim their scanner above my eyeballs and beep... done.

always time for snoopys street fair... pt.1. oh goodness... pt.1... how lame am i...

pt.2... yeah.

ooo, im so going to do this next time i mail a manila envelope. how freaken cute is this!?

i sooo love pink...

ill never do this... my mom passed on her fears to me. i am scarred for life because of her. dang it! dont these people worry about an earthquake? all those frames will fall on their heads when it happens and they will all end up with their faces smashed and head de-gloved... use your mind... head de-gloved... by shattered sharp glass from the frames... yeah... im not laying in that bed!

hey hey, lookie what i gots here... im thinking the word sommer must be in another language... made me smile =)

yeah... i had a good morning inspite of my attitude... plus, i found a christmas check masons grandparents had sent the kids... i had forgotten it... wonder if i can still cash it in... :S dang it, how is it i overlooked it? :S

oh... and btw, i did meet someone real nice today, an older lady :) and she sat on that couch across from me at the dealership. she was way cool, we talked and laughed a lot :) there are a lot of nice people in this world you know? :)

just a little something...

2012-01-07T13:35:00.001-05:00

this is what happens when we have nothing better to do... btw... we are all in our pjs still :)

bananas

2011-12-16T11:15:00.000-05:00

ok, so something quick... my eyes always look weird... sigh, oh well. here i am. need to hurry, need to drop desmond off soon. :)

Chocolate Eggs

2011-12-06T20:34:00.001-05:00

okay, so todays post has to do with yesterday... because im a slow poke and i do things backwards... anyways, here is my little shopper savi desi. he helps me find good deals when doing our groceries... one day, he will make a real good husband. my future daughter in law owes me big time.

about popcorn and things...

did someone say something about eggs?

Desis bday

2011-12-04T22:41:00.002-05:00

been really busy this week. sigh. took some pics during the weeks... i fugured i might as well post them :S oh well... no major captions... just pics for this post. will try to do better this coming week with blogging.

desis bday

txts between bel and me right before she gets out of school.

i made pancakes... yesterday

at friends house tonight. yummy :)

I am a hippo!

2011-11-25T23:11:00.001-05:00

okay, so today we played a little game... headbands? something like that. we all wear headbands and then we try to guess what our picture is.its a fun game, i took pics... i cheated... i took a pic of myself so i knew what i was... :S

of course! im a hippo... suck man!

monkey had a hard time guessing his... we were fair though, we gave him good hints!

motorola attitude...

lolol thankgoodness isabel is the honest one in the family :P

dang bel... still? lol

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T23:02:00.000-05:00

this year, i am thankful for yams.

this year, i am thankful for yams that went along side the rest of the feast we ate.

this year, i am thankful for yams and the opportunity they gave me to spend time with friends.

this year, i am thankful for yams and the little kids that were willing to try them.

this year, i am thankful for yams and for all the other many blessings in my life.

this year, i am thankful for yams.

snow

2011-11-23T22:58:00.003-05:00

so tired... another long day. stressful because of the snow. we had to drive to lake placid for pboys dentist appointment. it was tough, I hope for a good mild winter this time.

anyways... today will be a short post . I'm tired. tomorrow I will blog a better post :)

this morning... this is what i woke up to.

during our drive back...

i have a video in here somewhere too... uhm...

oh found it... here it is :)

long day

2011-11-22T20:12:00.002-05:00

i dont even know how to begin todays post. today was hectic. very busy, i was out since like 9h30am to about... 5pm? something like that, sigh. we all left this morning and went to the parent teacher appointments at momot. i met with three teachers there. prestons, olis and finally kinos. they all said very nice things about the kids. im so proud of my kids.

i wish i could take all the credit for having good kids, but i cant. i think... i think it all has to do with god. he knew id have some really hard times here and wanted me to have all the support and love i could when i did. and my kids? they are there for me. they make me laugh, they make me happy, they bring peace to me, they make me proud, i hope to be a good mother and be able to raise them well and the way god meant for them to be raised.

anyways... here is what my schedule was like today...

09:40 meeting with pboys teacher
10:00 meeting with olis teacher
10:40 meeting with kinos teacher and all his therapist... "ocupational, speech, special ed, physical... 2 more... sigh...) that one lasted about an hour :/ which made me late to my next stop. but i got to go see where his afternoon class was, where he spends time learning academics on a smaller group level. it was nice.

anyways, by the time we left, it was around 11:40 and we rushed to KFC in town. where i got the kids a big bucket family meal before i dropped them off at the twins house for them to babysit them. at least this way, they would have had some food for lunch. i know they would have been fed at the twins but i also know i have 5 kids and its a lot of food.

anyways, i dropped them off at the twins around 12pm and grabbed some chicken for me and took off running to the middle school here to try to hunt down isabels teachers in their classrooms... its a big school i think! i saw only 4 of them. i am sooo proud of my bel. they had good things to tell me :) i hit it off with one teacher in particular. she was oh so cool. we laughed and laughed. we got my humor and i got hers. i saw her science teacher, i saw the math and reading and home and careers teacher and the social studies one, all in one hour. i had to hurry because the meetings were to be closed at 1pm. but since i had been running around all day with the other kids' teachers... i did my best is all i can say. considering all the crap we went through yesterday with the car getting that ugly flat.

waiting for someones teacher to be ready to see us.

----

okay so there is a big gap from the picture above to this one... i had a lot on my plate and taking pics was not a priority for me at the time :$

so anyways... headed after middle school to sams club for my tire. i had been driving around with a spare tire. a friend came over last night to put it on my car for me. but of course the wait was like 2hrs min... and sigh, im glad i didnt have the kids with me. i waited long... i walked around too. found this nice spot so i took a pic :) its pretty no? i think so.

time: around 2:40pm

went to tjmax for a little. found a purse i really liked.. for 98$ yeah... no.

a crack on the floor... important... important enough to take a pic of it :S

time: around 3:10pm

tires... tires tires tires... still waiting. almost done.

time: 3:30pm

oh!!! and then i had to go get my car registration done. i txted mas. told him to get his bum over and fax those dang papers over! needed my registration done! what a crappy mess it has been this year! sigh.

time: around 4:20pm

then i had to go get the kids...

time: close to 4:50pm

arrive home

time: sigh... way too late. im tired!!!

so here i am... getting ready for my blogging :) this is my laptop wallpaper. its cute!

so thats it folks! and i am sooo tired! ive earned a bath tonight!!! sigh...

tomorrow? lake placid!!! here we come! arg!

bleh

2011-11-21T22:07:00.001-05:00

a lot of things have happened today. im not in the blogging mood much, im tired. sigh. but all is good andthe night is near. tomorrow will be busy :S im not looking forward to it. i think i will go to bed earlier tonight. sigh. my arm is killing me. i think i pulled something. it feels the same like when i pulled a muscle at the nursing home. sigh... that was a long painful recovery.

at the store for veggies...

monkey monkey

every time we go down the coffee isle, desmond points out to the spill and that it needs to be cleaned up :S

pardon me... maybe its pretty. i think... its interesting... i think the pic is prettier and made it look ok. sigh... talk about me being vain.

Sundays Sundays

2011-11-20T22:56:00.001-05:00

today is a little special, because im combining some of the pics i didnt post yesterday with todays post too. yesterday was a long day and although i had fun, it was still kinda rough.

i fell down the stairs and to be honest... ive been complaining and whining since then. im sore!!! so anyways, i want attention and therefor will be posting some ugly pics today :) so lets get started! yay!

in pain... my toe looks bad and so does the top of my foot. but its ok! because it hurts!!!

did i mention i wanted attention? yeah...

when i got to bed, i found a nice little drawing/note my daughter bel had left for me to find :)

stinking iggy... wouldnt even stay still long enough for me to take the pic...

anyways, so we are off to church and i make my stop at the gas station... need my papers!!!

melissa (the girl at the gas station) caught me taking a pic... :S anyways, i get two copies every saturday... it saves me tons of money!!!

so this is how my foot looked when we got home...

bel... she is turning into quite the little baker :) she did this while i chatted on the phone. im happy :)

at a friends house... they had extra visit and so the girls ate at the kiddie table in the living room. pillows go on the couch... but leave it to my kids to rearrange their decor :S

i took this while they chatter after dinner. im the quiet kind... but i was busy taking little pics.

milk we had during desert... of course, im lame, i forgot to take pics of the desert. i was too busy eating it :S

Saturdays are a bust

2011-11-19T23:45:00.000-05:00

ok, so much happened today. i tried to take pics... but i wasnt able to take the ones i wanted. nevertheless... i am happy with what i present to you tonight :) here we go!

okay, today i wanted to test the theory of whether or not i could fly if i threw myself down the stairs... it was a bust! i say nay!!! moms cant fly!!!

went for a rejuvenating facial at stephs house. it was... invigorating!

at... 60$ a tiny weenie little bottle... it better be envigorating. im sorry... im more of a walmart girl :S

meeee, lol, superstar treatment!

kids at home.

at home with the kids :P

there is monkey :)

going to college will be hard for desi... what will he do without his mom! :O

Fridays at Tiffa... at ginas.

2011-11-18T23:49:00.001-05:00

today is friday, friday at last. it was an overall day, good. i was so tired. i tricked desi into taking a nap with me. he did, we slept long and this is what happened when i woke :)

kino was sitting on the couch :) happy as always.

they got desi his milk :) he likes his strawberry milk when he wakes. thanks bel... or oli... :S

i had cereal for dinner. the kids had nachos.

oli watching tv with me tonight. and of course, there is iggy :)

now... i cant wait to go to bed. im tired. evening went well for the most part. i got into an argument. kinda spoiled things a little. but the kids were good, im happy. im tired. ill go to bed in a sec :) tomorrow is saturday!!! yay!

Thursdays are flat

2011-11-17T21:54:00.001-05:00

today was a long day, im so tired. but im doing good :) it was a good day... i skipped scouts :P

today i was incognito...

maybe... its because im a little embarrassed of mr. iggys je ne sais quoi...

yeah... hes too sessy for his own good. wonder if he thinks im cruel for keeping him indoors...

Wednesday

2011-11-16T22:45:00.000-05:00

just another day... we got some lentils and beans... and also some bagels.

content? happy? idk... but he was a good boy :)

my happy little boy. its been a long day, im tired.

tuesdays

2011-11-15T20:02:00.003-05:00

a friend got me a soda today... slight dragan effect on the hand... love it! im pretty pleased with myself :)

at school, i parked in a different spot... those two ladies got under my skin... swearing, talking loud... yeah. wanted to tell them to use their quiet voice... :) okok and to shove it up their... nostril...s.

pretty cloud :) on the way to pick up belbo, uhm... hospital is on the left!

all my sunglasses... im vain. i had more, but some got broken :/ sigh... its best to wear glasses. protects your eyes from cancer. ive never met someone with eyeball cancer, but my eye doctor scared me to death... so i wear them, plus, its good for wrinkles and skin cancer too. yup.

kino jonies school picture!!! soo cute!!!

yeah.... sigh. i think the photographer was going for a mona lisa theme... and failed :S oli told me "mom! the photographer told me to not show my teeth in the pic and to open my eyes more!" yeah... some photographer... :S but my oli is perrrti and i love her.

i should start studying for my ins test. its soo soon! yay! im so happy :) i better pass!

mondays

2011-11-14T16:38:00.001-05:00

ok... so mondays are just like any other mondays. im sure mothers all over the world wake up and do the same thing i did... well... kinda :) so anyways... this was my monday!

i woke up today and did my make up soon after... i love make up! i feel like a girl :) plus... i was wearing lipgloss only... thats what happens when you constantly lick your lips in the winter! they crack!!! so lip balm it is!

yeah... i really need to stop licking my lips... its not pretty!

my little thinker... he will one day be a great man!

ooo... what is going on with my lips! :O anyways... hard to get us all in the shot!

oooo yeah... i embarrass my kids in the morning... :S well... i dont care :) i can do as i wish in the car!

goodbye lovies!!! ill miss you as i shop around the store for wonderful new things i dont need!

just desimonkey and monkey with me. we wait for the bank to open... sigh.

arg!!! i hit a fence!!! my lovely red car!!! sigh... will have to txt mason about this one...

desi loved this one!!! cars piled on top of other cars!!!

at target!!! yay!!!! they have skinny mirrors! :P

spaghetti time

2011-11-13T19:53:00.000-05:00

sundays are for wonderful things and wonderful events. everyone likes sundays, especially when you get to see how spaghetti is hand made :)

sunday driving... the streets are empty, i could almost drive miss daisy myself :)

step 1. keep it secret, keep it safe!

step 2. bring out the guns!

step 3. cut it off!

step 4. some assembly required...

step 5. time to mop the table! swish, swish!

step 6. creating the car wash effect...

step 7. string cheese time! yay!

step 8. anyone missing some guitar strings?

step 9. more more more... always more.

step 10. someone will be eating good soon, yummy!

step 11. and it was oooh so worth it! :)

movie clips!

2011-11-12T23:12:00.001-05:00

just some monkeying around we did tonight with desi... of course, nothing ever goes as planned when im shooting >.<

long day

2011-11-11T20:10:00.001-05:00

ive had a long day today. im struggling with little things. i dont know anymore. sigh. i do

i struggled to get out of bed this morning... i guess it kinda set the mood for the day, sigh. this is what my view is from my bed. fell imprisoned sometimes. one day, i will have a nice trees to look out to in the mornings... and things will be better.

my addiction... so many beautiful things to look at... so much i want to do. but i feel like my life is on hold. i wonder how much longer i will feel like that. this sucks.

me... my eyes are... not the same. i decided not to wear make up today.

nice house, its huge. went to pick oli up from her sleepover. she had fun. it was nice for her. im glad she went but i did miss her lots.

a piece a pie i was fed at my friends house. i swear... they make me fat! but i must admit. it was a good pie!

preston... a nice pair of glasses he found today :) im jealous... those are just the kind i wanted for me!

my evening isnt over. i still need to read scriptures with the kids and get ready for bed time. i hope tomorrow is a good day, in the end... i just want to go to bed tonight and forget everything. its been a hard day. but... a smile... a smile is the only thing i will show my kids for now. they are happy... desi is playing with glue. he is in complete bliss. and i do love them. very much.

thrusday

2011-11-10T17:40:00.000-05:00

just another day in our house. this is what we were up to today, nothing special. trying to keep calm during a busy day. every day is busy at our house. well most of the time anyways.

i had these plantains today. i grew up eating them. they are yummy and i had a bunch from last time i went to price chopper for food. its a comfort food for me, nothing taste better than a good old plantain.

preparing them, i have to turn on the fan in the kitchen or the fire alarm goes off crazy.

this is the view i get from my car when i wait for belbo after school at stafford. it was raining... gloomy :/

rain is usually pretty, but not today, sigh.

my mula getting her things ready for a sleepover. there is no school tomorrow. ill be picking her up around 2pm. i miss her already.

making sure her swimsuit fits her. she couldnt find her usual one and somehow... this one appeared out of nowhere... i dont remember buying it either... a miracle! sigh. me and my brain :/

random

2011-11-09T16:30:00.001-05:00

just randoms pics i took today, no big story here... just little things that were a part of my day is all :)

i cut some coupons today, its therapeutic i find... i like sorting them out... looking through them. i have a little group i swap coupons with, its nice :)

it was nice today, i got to go on a little walk and i like this time of year. i think the falling leaves are beautiful. i often find myself trying to step on the leaves in my path, just to hear them crunch... the louder the crunch, the better. i dont know why, ive just always done it.

the jerk who boxed me in today at school!!! two girls! one skinny one who looked like even alice cooper himself would reject and another girl... i wont even mention her... sigh. sucked!

in the car at night, i think i drive a lot a lot a lot.

tonight, the moon was beautiful :) i was dropping off the kids at scouts and i took this in the parking lot of the church, sigh, so pretty :)

inside the church and every scout class in in session.

desi eating chocolates while we wait for the kids :)

my little kino jonie... going home soon :)

mornings

2011-11-08T09:58:00.001-05:00

ive been awake for about 45 mins... it takes me that long to get ready mentally for my day. i like to think about my dreams, i like to think about my kids, i like to think about people, i like to think about what i like to wear but i guess... i like to think about the luxury of staying in bed a little longer and i enjoy those 45 mins to the fullest :)

haha... me without makeup in my ugly cupcake flannel pjs.

my belbo baggins, she is my deep sleeper... sigh. its hard waking her up.

my moliva oliphant, she is my grumpy little soul, peaceful only in sleep, lol.

how to describe my little monkey boy? :) sigh... true love. this one i will keep for his future wife to frame up :)

i made my bed, and im still on time. i even have time to throw on some make up! yay! no need to scary the outside world today!

my little vanity table, its just an old computer desk i had. but its serving me well for now :)

my moli!!!! too bad i didnt get a full shot, she looked stylish today!

dang... im rocking some dark circles under my eyes....

hello moma! i just got my make up on, feel sooo muh better!

yay! out the door and on time!!!

is this illegal? i hope not... see the car in front of me? he was stopped... and so was i :)

wallies!!! time to get some goodies for tonight!!!

hahahaha, love the eyes! nobody better mess with his twisty balloons!

subway for breakfast!!!

going home! yay!

and this was my morning :) now i need to go clean up my home real quick. :) im happy! remind me of this later today when things get hectic!

At Price Chopper with Desi

2011-11-07T10:34:00.004-05:00

love shopping in the fruit and veggie isles. sigh, i never know if i should start there or end there... either way, seems like the produce always gets squished by the rest :/

hehe... did i sneak in some goodies... :/

hate how all the candy is there waiting for me at the cash register!

i might not have a child that throws a fit at the store... but i have one that knows how to give me the evil eye...

yay! in the car!!! i pack something under his feet and then the rest up front with me.

uhh... this would be the front end, duh...

somehow desi isnt mad anymore. huh, wonder why =)

sooo, this was my morning today, i had, i already unpacked everything. but a lot of the cans are still on my table. i gotta run now. need to take desi potty. sigh.

the ferry

2011-11-05T12:42:00.000-04:00

Scripture time

2011-11-04T20:22:00.001-04:00

so... this is what desi does when we are busy reading scriptures at night...

something about me...

2011-11-03T13:08:00.001-04:00

tired of this secret. I have many. I'm not a perfect person...

one shot to happiness

2011-10-16T08:09:00.001-04:00

after a long day yesterday, desmond told me "mom i need to go to the doctor so he can give me a shot and make me happy"... *ouch*

calories

2011-10-14T09:48:00.004-04:00

finally... there is a name to these buggers.

a little something

2011-10-06T09:06:00.004-04:00

i had to post this one...

:/

2011-10-05T01:29:00.003-04:00

so sad

iggy, one who knows everything about me

2011-10-04T21:04:00.003-04:00

my dear little iggy, my infallible companion, i love you very much. thank you for keeping me company even in my darkest days and for reminding me i am not completely alone in this world. i dont think there is anything you dont know about me, and yet you still come to me every time i am sad. iggy, my furry friend, i will take care of you always. i got you some good treats today. i plan on surprising you with them in a few minutes :)

something new

2011-09-10T13:31:00.000-04:00

ok, so i figured id try something new... i think i kinda like this better... a little about me in every pic. some are meant to be ridiculous... some are meant to be a little more personal, but in the end... they are all me... what i feel, what i think, what i am. ill be going in this direction for a bit... its different for me. fun :) enjoy!

...

2011-08-18T15:43:00.001-04:00

i dont know what it is, but i lack the desire to post much more on this blog. i think ive just about changed the colors like a billion times to try to motivate myself but nothing. i still dread the idea of having to post again. and that was one thing i never wanted to happen with my blogging.

so much has happened. maybe my lack of interest here has to do with the fact that i am busy this summer. i am beyond exhausted. i really cant wait for school to start again, im hopeful that it will help me regain some type of rhythm to my life again. i feel completely drained at the moment. i am tired.

surprisingly... i think this fast paced summer has been a major contributor to my somewhat consistent moods... im one that battles with depression once here and there... but this summer... but it is a strange feeling though... for i can still feel it lurking underneath it all... as if waiting for a moment of weakness to come out of hiding and attack me with its embrace. sigh... maybe i am writing today of all days because i feel it closer than ever. but i am ok. still have lots to do.

i baked apple raisin bran muffins this morning. to reminisce the days i spent in florida this summer. they were ok... not the same as the ones i had there but i wont give up. i will continue to bake a different recipe until i figure out something that makes me happy :)

uhm... what else...

oh i had a yummilicious salad again for lunch.

maybe ill just end up turning this blog into a food diary. might help me be accountable for all the slacking ive done. sigh.

[222-2011] washed away!

2011-08-10T15:17:00.000-04:00

oh my gosh! just changed into dry clothing! it was sooo much fun running through the rain with my little monkey attached to me like they do in the wild! we all got soaked! i even had to hold my pants up as i was running like a mad woman! they were so heavy with rain! everything! we almost all got washed away!!! but we are alive!!! yay! uuf. i needed to let it all out. :]

realistically honest

2011-06-24T12:14:00.000-04:00

duh! we take this literal in my household... i have like 5 loads every day! >.<

kino jonies bubbah

2011-06-05T19:36:00.009-04:00

you know how long ive been asking kino to wash his hands after going potty? he rarely gets the order right. i can repeat and repeat. but he struggles a lot. even when i am in the same room and telling him... he seems unsure.

nononono, go potty, flush and then wash hands. he is five, ive been repeating and repeating for ever... potty, flush, hands. why???? because of germs... the flushing handle gets dirty so fast. and i dont want clean hands touching it!!! then they go eat! and nononono.

potty, flush and then wash hands. and i have showed him and repeated daily. he still messes up. he seems unsure. confused.

potty, flush, wash hands... simple! at least 2 1/2 years saying it on a daily basis!!! he rarely has gotten it, simple.

potty, flush, wash!!!!

anyways, i was looking right now online, ideas for visual calendars for his morning routine. he still gets it wrong...

wont do anything unless i tell him and walk him through the steps. most days i do. and if i dont, then pboy helps him, by repeating what i have said 5 mins earlier. sigh. like... i walk in, wake them and this is what happens.

me: wake up monkeys
me: kino go potty monkey

i pull out his clothing

kino comes back from the bathroom

me: kino, take off your shirt and pants and put this on

kino gets lost

me: this one kino

kino tries to put his school clothing on over his pjs

i get frustrated

me: kino, take your clothing off

kino does it.

me: here, get dressed.

sometimes, i do it for him, other times he does it. depends on my motherly mood. sigh.

sometimes, if i just cue him and walk down, he will come back with his pjs still on, or different clothing than what i gave him, sometimes, new pjs. sometimes he comes down nervous, confused, anxious. but is unable to tell me what is wrong. but i know.

if i dont say anything at all. he stays in bed, worried. not knowing what to do.

he is not shy.

potty, flush, wash.

he is not shy.
...

but i found this, scroll down to the bathroom part.
http://www.lucasworks.org/visual-schedule-autism.html

arg.

...

this whole time ive pushed and pushed...

now that its official, i have started reading more things on autism... its like i was afraid before...

but i see my child. not severe autism. but yes, there is no doubt in my mind he has it. ive known it all along.

the thing is, ive pushed him hard, same as the others. harder even. but i push all my kids.

demanding they give me the best. demanding they dont depend on me for everything. demanding they use their heads, that they think. that they become individuals, that they become reliable beings.

expecting they do their best in school. not scolding them for coming home with another grade other than As, but expecting they give all they have. that they are respectful beings. loving, caring, helpful... but above all... that they understand the word "family and loyalty"

we take care of each other. they take care of each other.

i cannot give a treat to one child without knowing they will turn around and yell "mom has treats guys!" they share, they always share. not one of them is selfish in taking for themselves alone. not one of them. they are good kids.

they make me proud. they are my family.

and now... we pull together as we always have but... i have a better understanding of my little kino... a better understanding of why things are they way they are.

i knew it. i knew it.

but i sit here tonight... and i cry. i look at his sweet little face as he does his own thing along side desmond who plays in this fantastic imaginary world created by his little ever evolving mind... a world kino seems to not be aware of but one i am sure he has... even if dormant.

they are right... his teachers... i have noticed too. more jerky movements... more flapping... more than before. but he will do well.

my child is brilliant. he has figured a way to deal with a demanding mother, he has learned to adjust to us. to move like we do, never doubting where his mother takes him next. confident that she loves him and will take care of him, confident... that she knows best when she demands he steps out of his comfort zone. trusting in her, in spite of his very validated fears of new things that he nervous around.

i will continue to push him, they tell me, part of the reason he is high functioning is because we lead an organized and scheduled life. because we have never caved in to his fears. we acknowledge... but continue on. he has learned that change is part of life and that will continue to learn and be exposed to everything we can think off.

he is brilliant. i am proud of my kino. i am proud to be his mommy. my sweet baby, i love you monkey. i love you so much. i am sorry i have not understood you better. i am sorry i have to push you on because it hurts me deeply in a way only a parent could feel. i am sorry my sweet little monkey, i am sorry learning and growing up is so hard.

but know this my sweet angel sent from Heavenly Father himself into my arms, i am aware, i am more and more aware now of things. i will help you, this i promise you. i will do everything i can to help you. i will never leave you to fend for yourself.

you might feel at times, i might be sitting back watching... but understand that i will always be there, cheering you on... hoping that little by little, the training wheels will come off. i will teach you, not only me, but all your brothers and sisters too. we love you. we love you.

we will help you, but we will also let you make your own attempts to do things on your own. we love you monkey. we love you. you have good siblings. they will also always watch over you sweetheart.

isa, pboy and des... arguing over who knows what...

they are kids after all...

but you my little kino have made me laugh tonight because out of nowhere you say

"sometimes oli has attitude too"

=)

i love your sweet little humor, love when that part of you surfaces for us to see. it only adds to your sweet pure wonderful soul.

te quiero mucho mi trocito de cielo.

thank you for choosing me as your mother when you were up in heaven with Heavenly Father. i love you monkey.

i again find myself in tears. bitter sweet because i feel that through the stinging this diagnosis has left me... there is peace and happiness. i love you, things will be okay.

i know why you are a part of my life my sweet monkey. i know why everyone of my five little monkeys are a part of my life.

it all has to do with God. he has given all of you to me, not only for me to take care of and watch over, but also for you to help me become a better person through being your mom. thank you babies. i love you. i love you.

i love you so much monkeys. i want you to always know that.

[139-2011] Thursday's Tickled Thoughts

2011-05-19T08:20:00.003-04:00

hahaha, just a little something something, enjoy!!!

[113-2011] Saturday's Serendipity

2011-04-23T14:28:00.003-04:00

my mind is everything but satisfied at the moment. i wish there was something i could say. hopefully ill be able to write something tomorrow, it is Easter after all.

anyways, here are some pictures i took of the flowers we got for this weekend. decided to try making a storyboard. i have been wanting to for a long time, but had been very intimated. it isnt that hard in the end.

click on the image below

[104-2011] Thursday's Tickled Thoughts

2011-04-14T22:23:00.002-04:00

it is funny, i was thinking what i would blog about today, but i realize that i shouldnt worry too much about that. the kids give me enough to think about and plenty to blog about. today i post something short and simple. i try to include pictures in all my posts... because it adds something words cant always express.

how on earth did i become so lucky as to have such a beautiful little guy as my son? does he have my eyes? ... my nose? ... well... regardless... i should remember all this when he pushes my buttons and makes me cry every day!

i love how belbos eyes light up at the thought that she has features that look like mine :) i wonder if she will still be happy about that next year when she hits middle school.... :S

as for the eyebrows.... that could be arranged later on if you wish belbo... magic :$

[97-2011] Thursday's Tickled Thoughts

2011-04-12T17:24:00.002-04:00

dont feel like blogging much today, im in so much pain. its hard, trying to recover and knowing you have little kids that love you and dont quite understand how bad you feel. all that is left to do is smile!

i have global village to go to soon, i wont even take my camera with me. it would be a joke to think i can manage to take some photos tonight. screw it. it doesnt matter. at least i will be there for my girls tonight.

anyways, here is a little something we were doing just a few minutes ago.

[98-2011] Friday's Fives

2011-04-08T19:03:00.005-04:00

At what age did you realize you are no longer young? Alternate question: At what age do you think you will no longer be young?
i think ive done everything backwards... i just realized im not old. im trying to get remind myself that. ive been walking around for the longest time with the worlds weight on my shoulders. i realize more and more that i dont need to. i still have responsibilities, but i am young and therefore need to believe it.

What was the longest line you ever had to stand in?
a bathroom line when one really has to go, it doesnt matter if there is only one person in front of you, its always the longest line ever.

In what way are you especially strong?
i give my best at everything i do. i push myself until there is nothing left to give... and even then... i think that makes me strong.

Who was the last person to inform you that you were wrong?
desi

When did you last have to bid someone so long?
uhm, this one is complicated.

im trying my hand at video making...

desi and me... the short version style =)

[97-2011] Thursday's Tickled Thoughts

2011-04-07T20:30:00.005-04:00

well, someone once told me that she had made it a point to have lots of pictures taken of herself. not out of vanity, but because she thought it important that her children know who she was. she said "if we continue to wait for the day when we think we are perfect enough to have a picture taken of ourselves... then we will never feel worthy".

i will never be that size 4 again. i will never be tall like the models of the runways, i will never have a flat stomach... unless i marry a surgeon. i will never have a button nose, i will never have the high cheekbones i so much covet, i will never have that soft supple baby elastic skin again...

but i am beautiful to my children.

i am beautiful just they way i am. i am beautiful to the little eyes that look at me when i run into their room at night to hug them after a nightmare, i am beautiful when i wake in the morning and pick out the clothing my 5 year old will wear to school. i am beautiful when i cook dinner for my 5 hungry little souls that wait patiently, i am beautiful when i pick my kids up at school. i am beautiful when i make mistakes, i am beautiful when i am tired, i am beautiful when i sing the only lullaby i know over and over again, i am beautiful when i tell my babies goodnight stories... i am beautiful when i kiss them goodnight...

i am even beautiful when i am sad.

this morning after talking to my best friend for a little bit.

i am blessed to be a mother because i am beautiful to the most precious little angels on earth...


right before i dropped my kids off at school. [my moli and me].

[42-2011] Friday's Fives

2011-02-11T10:03:00.003-05:00

What’s the best thing about being awake when the rest of the world seems to be sleeping?
being alone, ive always loved having time to be alone with the quietness that night offers because everyone is in bed asleep. it gives me time to reevaluate my day and helps me sort out my thoughts.

Where can you go when you get a case of the late-night munchies?
i like to just go to my kitchen, i always keep a stash of chocolate above the fridge. my favorite chocolates.

Puzzle Pieces #1

What open-all-night establishment has saved you from catastrophe, and what were the circumstances?
walmart... diapers.

What’s the worst thing about being awake when the rest of the world seems to be sleeping?
ironically, being alone with no one to talk to.

When you are up all night at home for whatever reason, what’s most likely to be on the television to keep you company?
those wonderful black and white movies you can only see on amc. i just saw Tammy and the Bachelor(1957) with Lesli Nielson as a young lad. it wasnt in back and white but it was an older one. id like to buy it one day, i loved it.wow, i just found it on youtube, i guess you can find anything on youtube. anyways, here is the link.

[41-2011] Thursday's Tickled Thoughts

2011-02-10T17:03:00.006-05:00

goodness grief, so much has happened since the last time i posted! uhm, where shall i start? uhm ok. well, i guess ill just start with whatever comes to mind first.

i finally got my Photo Box Memories running. i still need to add some meta tags to it and still need to work on a page but im pretty happy most of it is done.

ill not be quitting My Satisfied Mind blog though, ive just realized ive been blogging since 2007. goodness that is a long time no? anyways, i like it here, i come here to be alone when things get moving too fast in my life or when i just want to share things. no, im not giving this place up.

and what else?... oh! i got my own twitter account! yay! what for? i have no clue. seems just like an easier way to enable stalkers... "and now... im walking down this dark alley.... and i have like loads of cash on me..." lololol (if i were only that lucky to have that much mula on me...) hahaha, naah, i dunno what, but for now its fun. im keeping it.

what else? uhm... oh yeah... i like smashed my finger with the car door a couple of days ago... oh goodness did it hurt :s *snif-snif* anyways, here is the result...

and what did i learn from this experience? oh yeah... that i may be like soooo related to hobbits.... ick! oh and duh, im not stupid, of course i learned that i need to pull my hand out of the way when i slam the door closed next time.... so like duh.

what else? uhm... i got my cool new phone. been having fun trying to figure out how to use it. but i think i got it down now. i got a neat little nokia e71. the smart phone of the clan. its pretty neat. just what i needed.

what else? im soooo freaking mad at snow! i dont even want to go there man! so like not going there.

and what else? oooo, i gots a new project coming :)))) tam-tam-tadaaaaa!!! introducing Puzzle Pieces! what is puzzle pieces you might think? its its... well...

oh man! des got into the freaking cereal! monkey!

[30-2011] Sunday's Sunny Side

2011-01-30T14:21:00.001-05:00

one of the things that suck about having a cat... well... i say one, i should say only one... because well... i dont clean the litter, that chore was delegated to belbo baggins, so i have nothing to do with it anymore... actually now that im thinking about it... the kids should swap chores. its only fair that they each learn how to do everything no? interesting concept... should think about that later... note to self... the chore list needs to be revamped a little...

anyways... oh yes, here we go again, one of the things that suck about having a cat is that our little iggy is a complete moron psychopath that loves munching on anything green. we cant keep plants inside the home >.< which really sucks if you ask me. i do have this one plant hanging in our kitchen... but its hanging from the ceiling and well, if he manages to jump high enough to get to it... well then more power to him.

so anyways, preston came home with this beautiful little flower (3 actually) sometime this week after school. something about a school project and well... the is the reaping of the reward. unfortunately... the little flowers went from our kitchen table to being completely confined to being in the bathroom lockdown. sigh. but oh how lovely it is, no? i had to take a pic of it. i love the colors. i never knew why green held such a magnetic appeal for my son preston... now looking at this... i see why. its a beautiful flower.

what else... what else. well, im trying out my cam. still trying to figure out how to use it all. but it is nice to have. i still have lots to learn but i was able to manage one little video today. this is what we did for lunch :) now, im thinking id like to shoot some more of these little home movies. we had lots of fun doing this and im looking forward to our promising future in our little technology filled home. to the future i say!

lovely:

technology and a home filled with the aroma of apple crips... and for preston who is insisting i make a movie with green lightsabers and green outfits... uhm... i dont think i have that setting on my cam... suck.

horrible:

desmond is napping and its like way too late for him to be sleeping! >.<

[18-2011] Tuesday's Thankful Thoughts

2011-01-18T06:58:00.003-05:00

i am thankful for a child that has the gift of laughter.

hahaha, i gots ya real good belbuni!

oh yeah, you better believe it honey bun!

lololol, oooo im scarededed!

yeah yeah, i promise i wont post the other ones! pinky promise!

ok, well, since bel tagged me on her bloggy, i guess its my turn to interview her =) uhm lets see... here are the questions i asked her and well... here are the answers she gave me ;)

1. if isabel wasnt your name, what would you like it to be?
   emily

2. if you could have an extra body part, what would it be?
   arm, so i could do more

3. if you had a superpower what would it be?
   i would fly

4. whats your favorite fast food place?
   burger king

5. tell me the alphabet backwards.
   ugh... ugh... z y x w... i refuse to answer this!

6. what is your favorite pie?
   pumpkin pie!

7. what is your favorite show?
   ren and stimpy

8. what age would you like to be now?
   16 because i get to do more stuff

9. what is your favorite thing about mom?
   that she is funny and bugs me

10. what is your favorite nail polish color?
   dark red

11. what is your favorite movie?
   twilight saga

12. who is your favorite actor?
   johnny depp

13. what is your favorite sport?
   basketball and soccer

14. if you could be someone else, who would it be?
   selena gomez

15. what talent would you like to develop?
   i would love to learn how to apply make up on real well, because i dont know how to.

lovely:

yay, i got my camera yesterday! its wonderful!!!

horrible:

i dont have the right memory card for it! suck! =)

[17-2011] Monday's Monkey Madness

2011-01-17T17:19:00.002-05:00

so this is what i came up with for today ^^ a friend gave me the idea, and i tried it. gave it my own twist and voila! this turned out to be delicious!

a nice fun way to have the kids eat their veggies :) no one complained about the spinach! yay for me!

uhm... i dont know what this is called. but i used frozen bread dough that had been let thaw. i used ground beef that i fried up with some onion and garlic. i added taco seasoning to it. and then i added some spinach and a can of crushed tomatoes. i then cooked on low for a few minutes.

i topped little bits of torn of pieces of dough that i had shaped into little saucers with the meat mixture and popped it in the over for a little until done. and voila. i think it looks yummy. the kids loved it =)

lovely:

tonights dinner

horrible:

i could have eaten 20 of these they were so yummy!

[16-2011] Part Deux

2011-01-16T22:17:00.003-05:00

after a... how do we north country folk say... uhmm... after a wicked bad long day, we had a nice ending. oh well... tomorrow will be a fresh start.

something about popcorn and little guys. O_o

and i didnt even burn a single one... amazing!

lovely:

im doing better.

horrible:

the last couple of days.

[16-2011]

2011-01-16T12:50:00.004-05:00

a beautiful song that needs to be felt and shared in order to be understood.

A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover

lovely:
niente

horrible:
tutto

[15-2011] Saturday's Serendipity

2011-01-15T13:20:00.009-05:00

so whats for lunch?

i dunno... how 'bout hawaiian toast?

mmm, this is good mom!

i know sweeties, i know...

with yellow sliced cheddar cheese.

and with white mozzarella shredded cheese.

i love the look of the white cheese best, its pretty.

i made this because my friend stephen suggested i try it out with the kids. it did turn out to be a big hit. they all loved it. the recipe is quite simple, i feel funny posting it, since its real easy, but again, i dont know, i did use one. so here it is.

slice of bread slightly toasted (i used wheat and grain)

sliced ham

slice of pineapple

cheese (any kind... sliced or shredded)

maraschino cherry

now go ahead and layer your toast with the ingredients in the order given and then pop in the oven for a few minutes... i actually just put it under the broiler. keep an eye on it, so the cheese doesnt burn.

final step? take pictures before you eat. i think i will start doing that from now on... take pictures of meals i make for the tribe. a food diary no? maybe.

so what is todays' serendipity?

sometimes, things are so simple and yet one still needs directions...

lovely:

comfort food for the soul

horrible:
my inability to see into the future...

[13-2011] Dinner at the Bushmans

2011-01-13T19:31:00.004-05:00

we were all sitting around the table tonight eating when i took these pics. so here they are, my five hungry little monkeys.

desmond eating a potato

he always gets me with those beautiful obsidian eyes

my belbo baggings

my moliva

kino jones and nickle-butt

pboy trying not to smile

this is why they ate, lol. i promised them cookies! naaa, my cooking was actually very delicious tonight. thank goodness im not vain. >.< we had... salt potatoes and ... and green bell peppers with veggie dip and... or barbecue baked pork tenders. yummy, they said "it was delicious" =)

New Years Resolutions!

2011-01-07T21:05:00.004-05:00

[4] Tuesday's Thankful Thoughts

2011-01-04T21:14:00.008-05:00

[mother] are you a baby or a big boy?
[child] a monkey.

i am thankful for the beauty that my children bring into my life.

359 Saturday's Serendipity

2010-12-25T14:20:00.005-05:00

Merry Christmas! Wish i had more, but my battery died!!! i wish i had two... yeah... lol. not >.<

saturday's serendipity? i need to be more organized man! this is Christmas Day and i completely suck!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

i mean

Ho! Ho! Ho!

no duh.

The Monkey Girls' Workshop

The Monkey Boy Smiling... no really, he was... he said he was...

Bel working on Pboy's toy

Des with a something something stuck in his shirt... :S

Kino with his new cars! wow... sounds like i could get a job on price is right!

yay for O.C.D.

horrible:

still hungry because i have so much candy and little real people food in my tummy.

lovely:

listened to this song a million times today, and des said to me "shake yol booley"
thats my boy!
*winks*

345 Saturday's Serendipity

2010-12-11T20:18:00.005-05:00

well i'll be... looks like a couple of bread loaves to me... no?

well, we made banana bread! yay for us! but im not sharing with not noones! im sure those two puppies would be confiscated by the government if they knew. since we are all sick, i bet they are worse than two ticking time bombs... well... at least they were made with loooves!

i got some very ripe bananas at the store yesterday and some nice ones for the kids to eat. well, i must feed my monkeys as best as i can i think. anyways, thats besides the point.

we made the loaves tonight. preston mashed the bananas as kino helped put the flour in the... the... thing... whatever you call it... you know... that thing. for crying out loud, im sick and my brain actually hurts.

and then, oli... oli did something, i dont know what anymore and so did bel. but i dont know anymore. sigh, this is a bad post... it goes a little something like this "well today we did something of something..." suck.

and anyways... uhm. oh, i dont know where i was going with this. but uhm. well, we couldnt even smell the bread as it was cooking, none of us has the ability to smell anymore, sigh.

and then... what did i want to say...

oh we took it out of the oven, and it looked like it would taste real good. and bel wanted some and i said no, we need to let it cool down... as im taking a knife out and slicing the dang bread. sigh, i am no good at standing my own ground. and then i gave them all bread. they all loved it and i sneaked a piece to my room so i could upload the pic to my computer.

to be honest, i was so dang please it with our baking that i forgot the cup of apple cider in my hand was freaking hot and well, i took a big sip and now... i cant breathe, i cant smell and i cant taste because i nearly burned my tongue off anyways. well... not that my taste buds are any good at the moment anyways.

uhm... todays serendipity: one ego is like 100 cal. 2 egos are like 190 cals. what the heck? :/ a friend told me... 10 eggos are like negative calories.

why dont they teach this is school? suck.

horrible:
im still pretty confused and having a heck of a time sorting out through all my feelings.

lovely:
the boys have all had their tubbies and im delusional from being sick and so hoping that des will sleep tonight.

344

2010-12-10T07:35:00.006-05:00

paying hell for glory

338 Saturday's Serendipity

2010-12-04T22:54:00.002-05:00

serendipity is finding out that the little details in the picture are indeed important. they bring life into what seems like dull.

serendipity is holding ones breath only to find out youve been breathing the whole time.

we spent our afternoon decorating the house. tomorrow, we are writing letters to santa and then we are going to mail them out... wonder what his address is...

i dont know where this guy came from, but it was a nice surprise seeing him in the Christmas box, although i dont recall ever getting him. maybe he was a gift? i dont know.

now this beauty was indeed a gift... wish i remembered who gave it to me. its beautiful.

now these were given to me by kristen. they had been given to her by her brother who had hand painted them. the blocks are cut in shape of a village and painted into a distressed look, just what i like and they spell NOEL. how lovely. im happy.

picked this jolly old man at walmart for the marvelous price of 2$. hes a keeper alright.

wood carving of a snowman. rustic like. i like him a lot.

horrible:

days are still a struggle. some days better than others. trying to concentrate on quieting the chaos that has invaded my mind.

lovely:

listening to music quietly, its soothing... wonderful.

333 Monday's Monkey Madness

2010-11-29T17:55:00.001-05:00

to be able to see beauty in sadness, one must truly be friends with it. i dont know which is worst... is it when one is so sad that the beauty of it tricks you until it smothers you leaving nothing recognizable of the one you once thought you were.... or if its when it allows you to live among the living by day only to call you to its waiting embrace by night... well... off to scouts.

329 Thursday's Tickled Thoughts

2010-11-25T10:40:00.003-05:00

im in the mood for more turkey!!!

im in the mood for music playing in the background today,

im in the mood for smiling and giggling,

im in the mood for cleaning and sorting,

im in the mood for a long drive in the country with the kids,

im in the mood for spending time with my friends,

but mostly...

im in the mood to be happy :)

horrible:

im so hungry for thanksgiving food, even after my nearly fatal turkey overdose yesterday.

lovely:

ive given myself these next few days to eat without any remorse what so ever, lol. yeah right >.<

328 Wednesday's Wacky Wisdom

2010-11-24T21:56:00.001-05:00

time can be your best of friends or your worst of enemies. i never know which is coming, all i know is thats its perpetually haunting me.

sometimes, i can not get enough of time, its always running out, leaving me wanting more and more of its precious minutes. just enough for a little more, just enough to quench my never ending need for time. time, time, time, i love you dearly.

at other times, i hate you, i hate you. you betray me. i feel as if you do this on purpose. your slender hands moving oh so slowly, for ever dragging the pain you cause me.

sigh, i suppose it would be to forget about you, to close my eyes and live in the moment of now.

i concentrate on everything but on the now. how foolish of me not to cherish what i have in the present. i will be longing for this when time comes to claim you as well. bitterness is my own fault. only mine own.

horrible:

i ate so much today for our thanksgiving... i think im going to explode.

lovely:

the people i love and all they bring into my life without knowing how much they influence me.

326 Monday's Monkey Madness

2010-11-22T22:54:00.003-05:00

okok, so i did the unthinkable... i took out my wax kit ive been hiding in my closet for the past few weeks. wretched thing... looking at me, mocking me every time i had to open the closet...

i dont know how i did it... except it took a long time... i must have passed out from the pain at some point >.<

stupid monday madness.

horrible:

i feel like my house is dirty even though i cleaned. there is always dishes to do, always laundry to wash.

lovely:

my new label maker... maybe ill use it to make a label from my wax kit "pain"

325 Sunday's Sunny Side

2010-11-21T19:42:00.006-05:00

its been a long day today. ive already cried several times. little things set me off. same old same old. im tired is all but this was only the down side of my day because it has been a good one. ive continued to be blessed. my friends the judds, they are wonderful. youve made me cry today without realizing. you are so good to me, offering what i needed most without knowing. i love you.

uhm, tonight, i sat on the floor of my boys room with all the kids around me. i sat there with little fingers on my lap, clipping one fingernail after the other. precious little fingers. i sat there amazed, kino has stopped biting his nails. my how they have grown long. they are beautiful. it fills my heart to see them. it has been over a year since the last time i got to clip them. thank you for this wonderful gift my sweet child. i have worried about you so much. i love you.

i sat there pretending to be hurt while all the kids giggled and came to my rescue... capturing the attention of my little runaway... my little monkey who refuses to come to me for his pjs... i was giggling too. until i felt your sweet little hand patting me... worried for your mommy. worried until the look of surprise and delight quickly took over your little features as i quickly grabbed your little fat arm and tickled you. i love you my little baby.

i sat there watching preston as he listened in wonder to his older sisters tell him about swimming and the big test he will have to pass if he wants to swim in the deep end... your hand in mine... i see the potential you have, i see the handsome man you will grow into. i love you.

my sweet belbo, i sat there looking at you tonight, my sweet little child. you are such a beautiful young woman, i am so proud of you. so smart, so sweet. i hear you practice violin every night, i am amazed at your speed at learning, i am amazed and awed at the music i hear created by your hands. i love you.

and my moliva, my sweet moliva. how do i begin to tell you how proud i am that you are becoming a great reader. i love seeing you give yourself into the books that become your world as you read. i love seeing your smile as you look up and think about what you are reading. i love you little girl of mine.

desmond... you little rotten monkey, i can hear you giggle... but your giggles are the terrors of all the others around you. i must go rescue them from you, my little tyrant! i love you for your strong character too. one day, you will make your teachers cry and your principle hide under his desk. yes my sweet baby, you shall teach them all patience. how could anyone ever reproach you for that? lol. good luck to them! f.y.i. im on your side buddy.

horrible:

my creeping sadness. go away, go away, im tired of you, let me see the sunny side of life shine on me more often, as i know it already does.

lovely:

the smile on my face as i think of the wonderful things that have happened this week and the ones that await this week coming

today may have been shaky at times, but it was definitely sunny in spite of the clouds.

324 Saturday's Serendipity

2010-11-20T23:06:00.001-05:00

several weeks ago, i got to go to an auction with my friend ericka. it was pretty fun. well, no, it was lame, but i guess thats what made it fun, lol. anyways, i bought this wonderful nut craker for christmas and i was so excited yesterday when i got to put it up. it looks sooo nice. i should take a picture, maybe i will tomorrow. its a pretty red one, with a crown and a blue velvet cape, a king nut cracker. sigh, its beautiful =)

except... that when isabel saw it (and she was as excited as i was) she said "ooo nice! when are we going to use it mom?" and i said in a smug way... "belbo, lol, we already are using it" to which she replied "how?"

how??? duh... its decorating the room, thats how... duh...

but what? what do you mean we are not using it? why do you want to get nuts? huh? why would we use the nutcracker to crack the nuts? huh? nononono, nuts crackers are for decoration... not for nut cracking...

oh.

really?

how come im again... the only person in the world that didnt know a nut cracker was for cracking nuts? it would be nice for someone to fill me in on things once in a while.

and this whole time i thought i was the smart one... ick. so much for friends. so i guess... my answer is no... im not smarter then a 5th grader >.<

323 Friday's Fives

2010-11-19T12:10:00.003-05:00

yay, its time for fridays fives!!! so here we gooooo =)

Do you prefer to be in the driver’s seat or in the co-pilot’s chair, literally and figuratively?
literally in the co-pilots chair, i hate driving. i do it because i have to. but i hate it, hate it.
figuratively in the co-pilots chair as well, i like being a team player, i think im a good asset to have in ones corner. im devoted, dedicated. i can be a l\hell of a leader, but im happy just being the silent partner as well... the one that blows a kiss on the dice.

Do you have a lot of baggage, literally and figuratively?
depending on whose point of view, some might, some might not. but as for me, i dont believe so. im happy. =)

How much junk have you got in the trunk, literally and figuratively?
literally? i have two boxes in there. crates more like. i have some emergency supplies and some m.r.e's as well as a stroller and some reusable grocery bags.
figuratively? hail to queen jlo. i wish i had her junk in my trunk. but i am happy with what i have, its enough :P

At celebrations where people are drinking, are you more likely to be literally or figuratively drunk as a skunk?
literally? never, i dont drink.
figuratively? some times i get sleep drunk.

What’s something you enjoy that’s literally cheesy, and what’s something you enjoy that’s figuratively cheesy?
literally cheesy? pizza, ooo, i love it.
figuratively? nicholas sparks, *snif-snif*

322 Thursday's Tickled Thoughts

2010-11-18T22:47:00.001-05:00

i wonder if mc hammer still has those pants of his in his closet... thank goodness, they never really caught on... would have been quite a sight to see my strict latin professor in a pair of those beauties...

oui monsieur gregoire! ... amo, amare, amavi, amatum... :$

if only...

321 Wednesday's Wacky Wisdom

2010-11-17T20:17:00.001-05:00

no matter how hard you concentrate on ignoring a car problem... it does not go away in the morning.

+

car manuals should have for title "car manual for dummies"

=

i learned how to put air in my tire today

and

how to open the hood of my car

:$

waaaa, i am a dummie in distress

>.<

oh well, so my wednesday's wacky wisdom?

im pretty in spite of it all

=)

lololol

>.<

320 Tuesday's Thankful Toughts

2010-11-16T17:19:00.003-05:00

i am thankful for poets who love with such passion that seems impossible yet undeniable.

i am thankful for mistakes ive made, they allow me to appreciate what i have now.

i am thankful to have a best friend that loves me and sees what i am unable to see in myself at times.

i am thankful that kino just came up the stairs and gave me the happiest kiss ever without me asking.

i am thankful i am blessed beyond measure.

=)

319 Monday's Monkey Madness

2010-11-15T22:32:00.002-05:00

because it has become a ritual for me to take desmond to the store every morning after i drop the kids off at school...

because i like to listen to music in the car while i drive along the way...

because i feel this irrepressible urge to kiss and tickle my boy in the parking lot of the store, well, God did make him fatty for that purpose, no?

because i am told in a low scream by an almost 2 year old quite loud enough for others to stop and look at us "mum, i no vant no tea-kles!!!"

because i laugh nervously...

because i find myself talking to him, asking him about what we should feed the kids tonight and whether the pencil sharpeners are invisible since i cannot see them...

because i look curiously at the woman in the cereal isle as she talks to herself...

because i try not to be rude and think she is cuucuuu...

because i am wondering if she has noticed that she is talking to herself because she is in deep concentration... to fruit loops or to not fruit loops... the eternal dilemma...

because i realize i dont need any cereal or anything else for that matter...

because i realize that i am just there for lack of anything better to do...

because i am one of those moms now... bored... with nothing better to do than judging women who talk to themselves at the store...

because i stand alone in another isle, talking to desmond again...

because i realize he hasnt been paying attention to me, engrossed in a thing ive thrown into the cart...

because i dont care and continue talking and walking...

because i still have that song from the car in my head...

because i stand there looking at bread... in an isle full of people...

because i am singing out loud forgetting i am surrounded by people...

because i continue to do so until i see the woman who talks to herself... not talking to herself... as i am singing out loud... to myself... in a isle full of strangers...

because... because... oh...

oh, suck...

so anyways... what shall mommy make for dinner desi?

20 Questions

2010-11-13T20:34:00.004-05:00

1. Name the most terrifying moment of your life so far. uhmm... being on a jet ski one summer and watching mason do something stupid on his to show off... his two daughters were on there with him... and then... their jet ski went down and made a flip and they all went flying into the air. my girls... disappeared for what seemed an eternity. the fear of losing my babies... i never want to know that again.

2. If you wanted to look very sexy, how would you dress? Uhmmm...something red... curl the ends of my hair and wear mascara with a killer red lipstick.

3. What famous person do other people tell you that you most resemble? uhmm, no one has ever called me anything... oh yes, a boy once called me shakira, but not because i looked like her but because i am hispanic. my reply? "oh you just want to watch me shake my hair" i didnt of course... shake my hair that is... or anything else for that matter. but i also recall a little girl tell me i looked like yasmine...

4. What is the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten? uhm... one, two, three, four, once i ate a fish alive. ok ok... well, once i tasted a bee... does that count?

5. If you could bring one character to life from your favorite book, who would it be? emilie bordeleau

6. What vegetable do you most resemble? huh?

7. What dead person would you least want to be haunted by? a serial killer

8. Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with? Least like? for most like, it would have to be my sweetheart. for least like... it would have to be... uhm... i dont know, i just dont know...

9. What do you think Victoria’s secret is? she wont tell me.

10. Which cartoon character do you resemble the most? cathy, because she is a clueless!

11. Would you rather go a week without bathing, but be able to change your clothes, or a week without a change of clothes, but be able to bathe? oh ick, shoot me now please.

12. Which of the four seasons do you most anticipate? fall

13. You can choose your method of dying and the place in which you will die. Where would you like to die and how? of old age and in the arms of my angel.

14. You can choose your last meal. What will the menu consist of? burger and fries

15. If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose? Little House on the Prairie.

16. You can select one person from history and ask them a question to which they must give a thruthful reply. Whom would you select, and what question would you ask? oh goodness grief... what do i know.

17. If you joined the circus, what act would you most want to perform? trapeze

18. Would you be willing to become extremely ugly physically if it meant you would live for 1,000 years at any physical age you chose? depending on whether or not i was with my loved one.

19. Would you be willing to commit perjury in court for a close friend? What if your lie would save his life? yes, i think i would. no. not if he had killed someone. never then.

20. Would you be willing to eat a bowl of live crickets for $40,000? no

a nice ending for a day like today

2010-11-11T20:12:00.006-05:00

dear mother, i link you look very good and i love you too. mother you are very peaceful to be a round and you are nice to. that is why i love you very much. in fact we all love you very much and epreshate you to, so that is why we love you a lot and i mean a lot. so xoxoxxoxoxoxoxo and xoxoxo.

we love you, love the bushman kids *heart* rotin by olivia bushman (little bit of us) we love you mother.

oh, what an amazing little girl i have, they are all wonderful. i found this on my fridge tonight, just before tucking the boys in bed... my sweet kids, arg. my sweet babies. i love you so much, you have no idea what this means to me. especially tonight. ive cried and cried. but they have been happy tears. tears of gratitude.

ive made a decision... im taking my blog in a new direction tonight. i am embarking into a journey that will save me from my sadness. i am determined to be the wonderful and pretty mom my kids see in me.

thank you my five little monkeys. i love you. sleep tight my honeys. tomorrow will be a good day =) i look forward to more shampoo spilled on the bathroom floor and i look forward to more body art all delivered by the hands of the all mighty desmond. i look forward to the eternally starving preston beggin for more and more food, i look forward to helping kino pick out his clothing in the morning for school, i look forward for isabels violin practice at night, i look forward to all the little pinches and tickles my kids give me, i look forward to life.

thank you honeys. thank you. i love you too :*

25 Things You Never Wanted to Know about Me

2010-11-09T21:31:00.007-05:00

1. My favorite color is pink.

2. I love pens and pencils.

3. I'm an February-born Piscis (moon in Virgo, Cancer rising).

4. In Chinese astrology, I'm an Horse.

5. My favorite shapes are hearts, and moons.

6. Buttercup and Bubbles are my favorite Powerpuff Girls.

7. I hate beets.

8. I read dictionaries when I get bored.

9. I am fascinated with office supplies.

10. When I was a child, I wanted to be a princess.

11. I like taking pictures with my Nikon D3000.

12. My shoe size is 7, 7 1/2, 8.

13. I love the smell of vanilla.

14. My favorite authors are Nicholas Sparks, Anne Rice, Janette Oke.

15. My favorite artistic medium is the colored pencil and crayons.

16. My secret ambition is to be a writer.

17. I believe in true love and soul mates.

18. My favorite foods are fruits.

19. I have a brown thumb but i love flowers.

20. My favorite thing to do (so far) is to daydream.

21. I love soft beds.

22. I love to make lists.

23. Fall is my favorite season.

24. I always lose my car in shopping parking lots

25. I sing and dance to music while driving.

black button eyes

2010-10-06T21:53:00.006-04:00

click on the photo

my baby boy with the most beautiful dark midnight eyes :) every time i take him out and meet someone new, they always comment on his eyes. just this week they said "beautiful black button eyes" ... lololol. indeed.

interview with know it alls

2010-10-04T15:19:00.005-04:00

uhm, i did this yesterday evening, the girls were piled up on my bed making bracelets.

me:what do you want to be when you grow up?
bel: a famous artist like with paint and crayons
oli: an fbi agent

me: what do you love best about school?
bel the specials like gym, music and art
oli: art

me: what country would you like to visit?
bel: africa
oli: england

me: name a country that starts with U
bel: united states
oli: usa

me: how many sides to a triangle?
bel: ... u serious? 3
oli: ...

me: have you ever kissed a boy?
bel: no
oli: no
me: :D

me: favorite color?
bel: red
oli: turk-oy

me: who would you like mom to marry one day?
oli: oh, eminem
bel: lol, eminem
me: :O

me: favorite movie?
bel: twilight
oli: hoodwinked

me: your futures husbands name?
bel: joe
oli: mike

me: favorite song?
bel: love the way you lie by eminem
oli: into the ocean by blue october
me: ... oh...

the moral of the story... maybe i should rethink my taste in music radio station... :$

au clair de la lune

2010-10-03T12:42:00.004-04:00

i couldnt resist taking a picture of this clarinet. its beautiful. i love it. i cant wait to be able to play it. uhm, i should have however taken a pic of my old harmonica. ive been practicing every day for about a week now. its been real nice doing so. i got my bending down i think. although i do struggle with getting the individual notes out. i did much better today. that was nice. uhm, so many different techniques on embouchure. i realize that there are no correct ways. everyone plays so differently but i think i finally found the way that makes sense to me. i got my clearest sound this morning but just relaxing and doing what felt more natural.

the funny thing is is that i am completely swamped when it comes to life. with this photography job and kmart i feel real tired when i come home to my kids. there isnt much time for anything else. yet... ive gone and found more things to do. but you know what? ive realized how important it is to keep your mind busy. not just the body but the mind as well. because if you just go through the motions of daily life, hectic as it may be, your mind just wanders around eventually getting wrapped up in nothing good and too sad to do anything else but feel sorry for itself.

as busy as i am, i need this. times are hard for me at the moment. the separation, living on my own, being responsible for my five kids, missing my friends... it all becomes too much and you wind up just real down. keeping your mind busy is the key to survival. at the moment it feels as that is where i am in my life. just plain survival. but... no, im wrong, well, i dont know. all i know is that these last couple of days have been wonderful. arg, im really digging this harmonica. maybe i will take a picture of it later.

but you know what? harmonica aside... its real nice to have a friend to talk to =) it is wonderful to be able to let it all out. once you do, there is so much more room for so many other good things in your life.

non voglio niente

2010-09-13T21:23:00.002-04:00

i am tired, too tired to think, too tired to do much at all. tonight, i go to bed before 10pm, if not, i promise i will shoot myself for my stupidity. i need sleep, i am tired, i will go to bed early. actually... i think i will go to bed now. i dont want anything. well, i just want sleep.

...

well, ok, id like somethings... like, id like a big fruit smoothie right now... and some warm yummy chicken soup, and some nice knee high boots... id kill for a nice pair... something like an old weathered pair is nice. uhm, and i want... oh what the crap, who am i trying to kid? i just want sleep.

(to the tune of "happy birthday to meeeeee")
♫ nighhh-night to meeeeeee. ♪

sigh.

Invictus

2010-09-02T10:00:00.007-04:00

im supposed to clean clean clean today. im already overwhelmed with the task. my floors are dirty, my sink is overflowing, the counters are full, the table is heavy under the weight of everything that has accumulated on it. the kids... i think they are upstairs. most of them anyways, nickelbutt is here with me as always. i need to vacuum too. you know what i need? those silly steamer floor cleaners like a swiffer wet thing. i cant even spell it. do they have steam? no... a jet spray thing i think. i want one of those...

maybe i can figure out a way to wash the kids down with it. i mean if women pay lots of money to go stand like patrick star in some dark little room in some salon to get spray tanned... then i can surely be allowed to spray wash my kids... a little windex will do just fine. im sure it even comes in lavender scent. vanilla scent would just simply be too good to be true.

my mom is coming to help me. except that i talked to her last night. she is worried. her whole building in montreal is infested with bedbugs... yeah. cool eh? she said the exterminators have gone 2 times already and they are still there.... all of them have it. the neighbors... everyone :/ thats all i need here. sigh. must everything be soo joyful here? seriously... im sure others need the blessings. spread the love, i cant handle it all alone.

what else? i dont know... im sure i can find something else to rant about. sigh. i guess... i should go clean now. ick. cant wait to get my hands dirty! yay! one must always find the positive side to everything.

*ponders*

my humor sucks. my mood sucks.

its my fault. its what i let reside in my mind that decides who i am. uhm... its all a matter of me, of who i want to be,. of what i want to be.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- william ernest henley -

shame on me, its time i snap out of this. i want to be a good woman. i want my kids to be proud of who i am and what ive done.

the illness of existing

2010-08-31T20:58:00.005-04:00

count your many blessings, name them one by one...

1. we have a roof over our head. a nice place actually. decent neighbors, no problems there. lots of room for the kids, a nice playground for a backyard.

2. we have lots of food, lots. tons. we are being well fed.

3. mason is helping me out a lot financially. so i dont have to worry about the bills or things like that.

4. the children all smell nice :P i gave the boys all a bath. i took my camping chair in the bathroom with me. set it up, sat down and let the boys have fun for a while before bathing them. the girls are taking a bath right now. i can hear them playing and giggling. they are happy.

5. i bought the kids 3 new releases movies for dirt dirt cheap at blockbuster in the previously viewed bin... never again will i go buy a new movie. i can get 5 new cool ones for the price of one. no one will ever know.

6. im working two jobs now. putting some hours as a cashier and now as a professional photographer as well. im a professional photographer... i love the way that sounds. i still cant believe that such an incredible opportunity like this has literally fallen on my lap.

7. i have good friends that bend over backwards to help me.

8. my house is kinda clean...

here is the deal... there must be something wrong with me. i have so much going for me right now... yet... im still struggling with depression. im having a real hard time kicking it. im very tired. im so tired. im so tired.

im so lucky and so blessed with everything and yet... all i wish i could do is go lay in my bed and hide forever. i wish i could just go and cry and ignore the world for as many days as i have left to live.

i hate the fact that i dont have a choice. im alone, i have to get up, i have to make dinner, i have to give the boys a bath, i have to clean, i have to sweep, i have to take the trash out, i have to do the dishes, i have to do laundry, i have to go to bed, i have to get up, i have to get dressed, i have to put on make up and wait for the sitter, i have to go to work i have to spend time there, i have to speed home, i have to eat, i have to do groceries, i have to worry about this stupid car. i hate having to worry about it. i hope that lady literally rots in hell for being such a shit with me and not wanting to pay me what is owed.

god never gives us more than we can handle... right? he also gives up support to make it through. he has given me my kids. i needed a lot of support, because he has given me 5. if it werent for them, i wouldnt be sitting here tonight writing. i doubt i would still be here at all.

so i need to hold on for them. i need to hold on.

because it doesnt always turn out the way that you expect it too...

2010-08-28T21:28:00.009-04:00

because it doesnt always turn out the way you expect it too., originally uploaded by five_little.monkeys.

the wind blew over this pretty little thing... i guess it just proves how little i know. it turned out much prettier like this.

ive been so tired lately, i really havent even thought about picking up my camera much. its been tucked away on my desk in my room. its funny because not a day passes where i dont sit on my bed and take it out of its case and look at it. i dont do much... i just look... maybe turn it around in my hands a couple of times and then for some reason it just simply goes back in its case.

there is just so much that needs to be done here. and soo little time, with the kids wanting to be out all the time, i kind of cave in and take them out a lot. of course, if you ask them... they rarely play outdoors >.< sigh...

im so sick of this car insurance crap. i need to get it done this week... i need to take a step and set up the appointments.... i need to get it done.

next week will be hard for me... two part time jobs... not bad i guess... but when you think that i am alone raising my 5 kids, it kinda seems a lot to me. sigh. im so tired. im not in the mood for much lately. dont feel like going to church tomorrow either. but i should... i want my kids raised in the church. funny... i dont really care about me. im still struggling with it i guess.... not whether the whole thing is real or not... just with... whether i care or not. im leaning towards the not i guess. dont care about that either.

but i will do my best and try to be good. uhm... i promised the kids ribs tomorrow after church!!! yay! they are excited, lol. barbecued ribs :) will see how that goes.

i was outside watching the kids play today. i even managed to get my camera out there with me too. and i had my book and i took a little flower from a pot holding all of the flowers my kids gave me the other day. and i thought, i should do the cliche... take a photo of a flower between the pages of a book! brilliant! except that when i leaned over to do a closeup... the wind blew at that same moment and flipped the page over and with it the little flower upside down.

not what i was planning on...

but i think it turned out so pretty. i need to do this and see this in my life... at this moment... that although i may feel so out of whack... so... chaotic, so overwhelmed... that i still have a wonderful life, with some wonderful babies that love me and well... that i need to be happy for everything i have.

erica, i know you cant read this. you dont even know this exists. but i admire you. thank you for being my friend and for everything you are doing for me.

belbo's bike

2010-08-25T22:33:00.004-04:00

belbo's bike, originally uploaded by five_little.monkeys.

here is the bike my little belbo got today :) she so wanted one. i couldnt wait to be able to take her to the store today. ive felt so guilty about the kids not having any bikes as they were growing up. we just never had space for them. and now... =) its a nice feeling. so many firsts for us lately, its overwhelming sometimes. but this is good. this is good =)

i tried taking a picture of her riding it, but all i managed to do was take one from behind, lol. she just kept going and going. goodness she rode it for a couple of hours straight today =) it was nice.

my neighbor also saw my new photo portfolio!!! and she asked me to take pictures of her son and his little family. they were going to go to a portrait studio, but she liked mine a lot so they will come to me.

i still cant believe it, i got the job! im a professional photographer!!!! me!!! im a professional photographer! yay! yay! i did it! arg, i did it! even if they fire me tonight, i can say im a professional now!!! hahaha! yay!

are you sleeping mom?

2010-08-22T22:07:00.003-04:00

i was so tired today my sweeties. i wanted to do nothing. im sorry my babies. sigh, im glad desmond took a nap. i wasnt planning on taking one too but the bed was just too inviting and i dont know what happened. i just fell asleep. my only regret is that it didnt last long. with two phone calls to wake me up... well, i guess a little nap is better than none :)

but i cant deny that i have it way better than sleeping beauty herself. who needs a prince charming to wake you with a kiss when you have the most wonderful little boy to wake you like this? :) sigh...

i think i just said that... i must be nuts... prince charming! yooooohoooo! im right here! the girl in her nightgown, with her hair all messy, no make up and with a three baskets full of laundry!!! yoooohooo!!!! please come my way :/ sigh.

day something of something.

2010-08-21T18:24:00.005-04:00

could one be more tired than i am now? sigh. things are hard because there seems to always be something important that needs to be done. how on earth did the cinder girl do it? she even had wicked step sisters and a mean evil step mom to push her down everyday. what do i have? no one but these beautiful sweet babies to support me and cheer me on.

we went grocery shopping today. we spent enough money to fill two carts up with food. yay! enough food to feed this gang for 2 weeks maybe? ha, maybe. plus, i forgot milk. i wanted to shoot myself. but no one complained, no one threw a fit. they all followed me around. they all helped at the store and then they all helped bring everything in.

im so tired. i gave the boys a bath so i could put them to bed. then i looked at my watch. 4:30pm. sigh. what was i thinking? im tired.

i love you babies. im doing my best. im trying to hold on. thank you for being in my life and for making everything sweeter. les amo mis tesoritos preciosos.

twists and turns of fate

2010-08-15T08:41:00.003-04:00

turns and twists of fate, originally uploaded by five_little.monkeys.

sigh. hate computers. hate being sick. hate having this stupid car accident to deal with, hate it all. i feel like this log... wanting to move forward but dealing with all the crap that keeps pushing me in every direction.. feels like im moving backwards, is that possible? probably.

need some time

2010-08-09T23:50:00.001-04:00

One, two, three, four, five, once I drank a fish alive

will be back soon.

this is why...

2010-07-27T21:41:00.005-04:00

because i am loved! i am loved!!! i am loved and it means the world to me =) words cant describe how happy i am when my babies smile at me. i am loved =)

208/365

living at the new place is nice. our back yard has a playground! i get to take my kids out every day, sit on the grass and watch them play with their friends :) i almost didnt take them out today, i was tired from another long busy day, but you know what? its not their fault, so out we went after a good home cooked dinner. and i was rewarded with the most beautiful smile ever :)

yes, life sucks sometimes, but life is wonderful too :) i have proof, i have my little angels smiling at me every day :)

Dang it...

2010-07-26T20:45:00.003-04:00

oh man... he looked soo concentrated. i called and called his name and nothing. he was so intent on picking his flower... sigh.

so i took the pic and walked back inside to get my bag ready for our little outdoor adventure... keys, wallet, diaper, wipes, sippy cup, cheerios, socks... (yes, i took socks to the store in my bag... i was buying running shoes for the kids) uhm... what else... i dunno. anyways... so im sitting there and in walks desmond with his brothers and sisters "momma! momma!!! des brought you a flower!!!" and sure enough, he shoves a pretty yellow weed practically into my mouth >.< and as i reach for it... he smiles... mumbles something and walks away... flower in hand.

sigh... no flower for me...

...

i didnt want a flower anyways....

...

i mean...

who needs a flower...

sigh :/

205/365

2010-07-24T17:16:00.001-04:00

i thought it was time, i took a pic of where we are at. weve almost moved in completely. will be getting my much desired bookshelves one of these days. the inside is nice. im happy. we have just enough room for the kiddies and me. the outside? well.. sigh...

i must admit... the boarded window kinda sucks... but it was the only way to make the AC fit. in the end... id rather have a boarded window like that than have to endure these last few days at the complete mercy of the humidity and heat weve been having.

next year, im planting flowers in the front with the kids. i will take a pic next year. it will be nice to see the difference a little tlc can do. oh... i need a wreath! i have one too... somewhere... a very rustic one too. a friend of mine made it a long time ago. i think it will look just right here. oh! i need a door mat too. little by little, this will become more and more of our home sweet home.

"now" as in now, duh...

2010-07-23T22:43:00.003-04:00

i dont know what has gotten into me lately. sigh... ive been a little absent my sweeties, i promised myself that i would write often, i want to do this for you.

uhm, my forwarded mail finally came today. i was relieved since i was able to go turn in my old apartment keys to its landlord. it was nice. a chapter in my life is closing behind me. weve been so busy, we really havent had time to sit and be too sad. im grateful for that. im grateful that you are adapting well and have already made many friends here already. it makes me happy to hear them call your names as we arrive home after running an errand.

its ironic how one can be grateful for many things and yet feel down like i do. people have really been nice to us honeys. they have all been real nice. i dont know, i feel a little misplaced now. in between i guess... that is my new motto, im nowhere but in between.

i used to be able to complete these stupid crossword puzzles when i was in school. we were tested on them and it would always take me under 45 minutes to complete one. maybe that is slow, but it was good for me. now... i struggled so much. all the little boxes... one blurring into the next... all shape-shifting as to not accommodate my letters into a coherent way. this sucks. i cant do this.

204/365

im losing track of days so easily, im struggling to keep up with everything... im exhausted with life. i still need my freezer moved. sigh. i hate feeling so helpless. i hate it. i hate it. but as i sit here and silently throw my little fit, people are helping me... my neighbor... a stranger to me, cut my lawn yesterday. that was nice of him. others... my sweet dena... i will miss you terribly when you leave. sigh... i know you are watching over me too. calling me, making sure i know what day of the week it is. shameful, i know, but im too unfocused to remember. i wish i could concentrate better.

i feel numb.

im not angry though. sad, but not angry. but i worry... this is the beginning of me being alone. feels like ive been cheated. i dont feel old yet. but here i am... 32... i still have a long way to go before i can sit back for a little bit. will i be alone for ever? i hope not, but then maybe im fooling myself into thinking that there will be something for me in the end.

im a real ungrateful little sh*t arent i? here i have you 5 beautiful babies to love and who love me... and i dare feel like this. time heals all wounds. i wish you could understand everything that went wrong in my marriage... but you cant. and maybe sometimes, you hate me for doing this to you. im sorry honeys, im so sorry for everything that has happened. im so sorry.

203/365

we baked some chocolate chip cookies for a friends birthday. it was nice delivering the treats to her house.

oh honeys, what do i know? i know nottin' i know nottin'... nottin'

maybe life sucks now... but im planning on making the most of it anyways. i will get my bookshelves soon. i want to. 2 big black ones. i already know how i am going to get them home. im planning, im planning. im figuring out a way. the freezer? i will find a way honeys... leave it to me babies.

oh sweeties, dont worry. things will be good kids. they will take time, but they will be good. i promise. i can be strong for you. just let me sit here for a little bit longer... let me close my eyes and listen to some music. it helps calm me down from myself.

200/365

2010-07-19T22:39:00.001-04:00

life is funny... i sit here tonight, tired, exhausted, beat down, a little sad over everything. it has been hectic... i feel so much pressure on me. carry on, carry on... carry on. its hard.

my mom is laying down on the couch behind me, watching that kimora show on tv. she just had some customized bed frames made for her daughters... those bed cost more than my new car itself... sigh... she is stressed... her new mansion is empty, her moving truck late. she is telling the man on the phone, she will die if her truck comes in late... if he could find some compassion in his heart... he caved in. sigh.

did you know mel gibson had mistresses? i guess... thats up next.

sigh... maybe my life isnt so sucky after all. i mean... maybe i could have a missing stiletto. :/ what would i do?! life sucks!

199/365

2010-07-18T15:16:00.002-04:00

i cant believe we actually made it. we are all in one piece. we have been officially moved in for... since last wednesday :) and have i missed taking pictures. i really do enjoy it. its a nice way to express myself without having to worry about having to explain to others what i am going through. a picture is worth a thousand words is true. sometimes, it is all that one can do.

i took this today, i knew i needed to get back into doing my 365 project. i want to do this. i cant wait to see a whole years worth of daily pictures, it will be so nice to see everything we have lived and experienced. just this morning, i was reading some of the earlier posts from 2007 to my kids. all these wonderful memories that will never be lost now... oh... i need to back up my computer... arg!

194/365

okay... this is of me, right before the big move. oli is in the shot too, but all you can see is her brown hair mingled with my black hair and her...leg?arm? lol. oh well.

anyways... im getting back into photography. i cant wait for tomorrow when i get to post a new one :)

193/365

2010-07-12T17:18:00.002-04:00

so this is my brood. a fine set of hatchlings if you ask me =) im one proud momma.

so, we went to the new place today. the kids got to run around for a bit. i got to unpack a few boxes while i was there. brought my bed frame to the main floor's bedroom. and well... thats pretty much it. the place is pretty empty still. but im happy. im happy. this will be my home for the next few years. its nice =)

uhm... you know what i like about taking pictures of the kids? theyve all turned into models, lol. i wish... sometimes, i wish i could figure out a way to document things better... shall i go into movie shooting one day? tempting... maybe, but i cant ever give up my camera. i love it. and the kids do too.

you should have seen us today, i was laying flat on the floor taking pictures on a low level. i figured it would make for some nice angle. the kids were all running around and then i thought i should have them all sit down. it was sooo sweet! i said "ooooooo, go sit down facing the wall!!" and as if in a carefully choreographed war scene straight out of the movies, they all ran to their places. all except desmond, he sat at the wrong place, lolol. but we got it all sorted out and this is what came of it. my little chipmunks. i love them so.

we had a wonderful day. we have packed more, and i will get up now and go pack some more :) im happy.

192/365

2010-07-11T23:53:00.001-04:00

can you blame a girl for having fun with her most coolest awesomeness toy on the planet?! goodness, i love my camera! yay, for things that are being packed! sigh... now, 500 million things left to pack...

my mom is coming tomorrow, she will help me pack. i feel so bad, but ive got nothing but lack of initiative for packing. im so tired of looking at those boxes. i know that once she comes, she will take over. im glad. she will motivate me to finish what is already started.

tomorrow, i have a long list of things to do. i need to pick her up in the morning, im sure she will want to see the new place, so i will take her there. i need to pick up my mail box keys. i need to call my utilities. i will be without my computer for a few days too :/ sigh. i need to do laundry, and pack a lot, since i will be getting help moving tomorrow night. hopefully they can take the beds so i can spend the night at the new place. maybe. i dont know. depending if i can get the clothing up... and the kitchen! arg. maybe not then... maybe i should wait to sleep there until tuesday. decisions, decisions, decisions.

today, was hard. seems like they always are no? i feel like a drama queen, sigh. its just that today, was hard. preston came to me, he was sad. i pulled him close to me and gave him a big hug and asked him to tell me what he was thinking. and he said "mom, i miss dad... what if i forget what he looks like?" arg... my sweet little guy. :/ i feel like a monster for hurting my kids like this.

but... i dont know. change was necessary. i couldnt go on pretending things were fine, when they werent. i was happy and over time, my depression has settled in deeper and deeper. i feel like i needed to be selfish and do what is right for me... even if it meant hurting my kids... what a horrible thing to say no? my thoughts drive me crazy sometimes.

then of course later... oli had a meltdown. she cried in my arms too. "mom... i miss dad... what will i do when its fathers day and the kids all sing at church to their dads? i will have no one to smile to".

its so hard to watch my kids in so much pain. none of this is their fault. all i can do is be there for you now. i know he loves you very much. i will make sure you are reminded of it always. things will get better my sweeties, i promise. i promise.

its been a long day. i am grateful for the wonderful friends in my life. i got to talk to a very old friend of mine tonight. it was very nice. its nice to feel support. babies... we are very loved. people care about us. we are not alone. my little ones... i will be there for you.

you know what? although today has been hard on us... i do feel so much closer to you. even though there is so much stress in our lives at the moment, we are drawing closer to each other. we are more patient with each other too. ive noticed you guys pulling closer to me and to each other. i love you babies. thank you for being a part of my life.

191/365

2010-07-10T18:28:00.001-04:00

so i am excited about starting project 365. ive decided to jump in as if i had been doing this since january 1st. i hate being off and this will make things simpler in the end. ive seen a few of these projects on flickr since opening my account there and the idea has always intrigued me. i guess, it was just a matter of time before i too decided to participate.

come to think of it... the days are wrong... this should be project 174... since there are 174 days left in the year... uhm... that would be more appropriate i suppose. oh well... screw it. 365 sounds more dignified, lol.

today has been a nice day. a little emotional at times, but not too bad overall. the kids are happy, thats all that counts. we spent the morning indoors. its hot still. not too unbearable, but hot nevertheless. after desmond's nap, i took the kids to walmart to buy a shower curtain. we got a nice one i think. im happy with it. and we got a rug for the bathroom. always liked having those. they can be a lifesaver from a wet slippery floor. its a nice teal color.

sigh... i hope we do ok at the new place. we have stairs. the bedrooms are upstairs... and sigh... desmond doenst know how to climb down. im already having a panic attack over them...

today while we were there, he almost threw himself off the stairs. scared the daylights out of me! of course... he is a bull headed little stink... i was trying to show him how to climb down... his solution? tantrum... and he bit the crap out of my hand. arg. ive never been bitten by a toddler! he bit down hard. i now have wonderful bruises on my hand. a little more and i would have rushed to the e.r. for a finger reattachment. well... ive heard that a bruise... i mean... blue skin is real becoming >.<

anyways... how does this all tie in to the picture i took today? oh yeah... i was packing and found the pin cushion. the colors are pretty and i thought id take a picture of it. it turned out ok i think. im pretty pleased with it :)

arg! desmond is getting into the forks now! knucklehead!

a writer's block?

2010-07-09T10:39:00.003-04:00

a writer's block? can that apply when it comes to wording your feelings? what if what you feel is nothing more than numbness... maybe i can write about that, i need to write and write and write but find it hard to do so at the moment. its a funny feeling to feel that you need to let it all out and then... you look inside and see that there is nothing there to let out. can a heart feel heavy with emptiness? i feel like its so heavy at the moment... but i sit here and write word after word that mean and describe nothing.

i found this picture today in my computer. i took it sometime this spring i think. i took it while driving... yes, i am a freak. there was no traffic and then i slowed down while isabel handed me my camera and i took it. it turned out quite beautiful i think. the colors are intact except for the darkened border. still... the beauty that surrounds me still boggles my mind...

how many times, have i felt so angry in the past, angry enough to hold up my fists up high at times only to shaken by such a beautiful heaven surrounding me... but how can i be so ungrateful? i sit here right now... looking at the photo... feeling nothing. knowing that i should be able to feel something beautiful... but i dont. i dont know how to. i feel misplaced.

i dont think i will write more for now. i dont know what to write. i dont know what i feel. i dont know. i just want time to myself. i dont want to bother with anything else for now. this while post probably doesnt make much sense. but i dont know what else i can write. tomorrow will be better.

not so little anymore

2010-07-05T21:48:00.003-04:00

my sweet little girl, youre not so little anymore are you? =) i love you very much bel, i am so grateful to be your mommy. you are one of the most beautiful people i know. your heart is pure my little girl. you are always kind to your brothers and sisters. what great responsibly lays on your shoulder simply because God sent you to me first. you are a great leader my sweet little angel. your talent for being able to gather all the little ones around you and create this magical world for all to participate in, blows my mind.

i hear you teach desmond new little things everyday, you talk to him as an equal, it means the world to me. you take kino under your wing, always protecting him, always making sure he never gets left behind when the tasks he needs to do become too hard for him. you have a way to encourage preston, a way about you that makes me realize that he looks up to you so much. you are an incredible sister. never wanting olivia to feel bad for always being younger than you are. never teasing her for not knowing all the things that you have learned through experience. you are a beautiful person my sweet bells.

i love you so much. i am in awe at how wonderful you are turning out to be. i am in awe that such a young person as you can already have the maturity that so many grownups lack and will never have. you still might be my little girl but your soul ranks amongst the biggest, most wonderful that have ever existed. you are proof that God loves me, He has given you to me to take care of, He has given you to me to teach. He has trusted me enough to hand over one of the most beautiful jewels He has. i love you very much my little bel :*

#3 Old & New

2010-07-03T22:53:00.001-04:00

we've been packing so much lately, the house is a mess. im sorry my sweeties, i know you are feeling a little stressed too. my babies, there is so much id like to tell you. so much i want you to know about me. i just dont know where to start. im finding it harder to concentrate on my thoughts lately.

my sweet bel... it broke my heart what i saw today. things are so hectic, i forget that this is affecting you guys so much. you will miss him, i know. you already do. but you have learned already to keep things bottled up that you are not wanting to show me how you feel. im so sorry bel... i love you. i hope to be able to be there for you. you need me more than ever and i want to be there every step of the way. things will get better honey, i promise.

look what i found today :) it was still attached to an old suitcase we had... a tag from a past trip... long ago forgotten. i dont know if anyone can honestly deny that "life doesnt always turn out the way we imagined it to be", i know i cant.but i dont have many regrets. i think, ive made some mistakes and learned some hard lessons my babies. but im grateful for everything that has happened to me.

this tag on the suitcase is special to me, i dont like removing the tags. i like leaving them because its a symbol of transition for me. a place in time that is suspended... a place where you are neither here nor there. it allows for change between the old and the new. it allows for a person to get a glimpse into a new possibilities in our own future.

my little nicklebugs... our time now... is changing. we are in transition. we are in between "the old and the new"

#2 Passing of Time

2010-06-26T20:47:00.004-04:00

week two's assignment was "the passing of time"

it is through the passing of time, that all wounds are healed...

i wish to be like this beautiful daisy, showing the same resilience... after being neglected and dying a few days ago... i was surprised to see a new bloom this afternoon. this one, even more beautiful than the original.

if i was only patient enough to realize that my future is beautiful, i would not be so afraid of the battles i have to face today. if i was only patient enough to let the passing of time run its course... then i would see it will all be fine in the end.

Pendulum

2010-06-22T17:58:00.011-04:00

ive debated with the idea of putting this picture up on flickr. i took it on sunday while the kids played at the park. you know what the interesting thing about life is? its that no matter what happens... nothing is by mistake. every single event in our lives, every single challenge happens for a reason. sometimes, we dont even realize that everything is connected. yet, its a simple idea that can be proven over and over again if we only took the time to look.

so many things have happened this week... things that lead me from A to Z just within the space of a few short days. im even sure that if i look even closer than i will discover that A was not the beginning, in the end, it is all connected since the day we are born... or even before that.i suppose though, that one cannot spend their life, wondering about all this. it is not too important in the end...

but i do wonder still... i wonder if sometimes, we are like the little children in day care going on field trips... all holding on to the rope, bound to the same source so that they dont get lost. are we like that? leaving God, coming to this earth to learn and hopefully not lose our way along the way, in order to go back to him wiser? i dont know. maybe.its a nice thought.

i took this picture, but i dont think its that great of a shot. but, it holds a lot of meaning for me. you see... no matter how many times, the swing gets pushed, it always goes back to its center point. always. it reaches perfection in being centered despite of all the storms in life. thousands of time, it is pushed, it moves with whatever direction might find its way to it... always adapting itself to its surroundings... but always... always... it comes back to the center.

this week has been a crap for me. a roller coaster of emotions if i may say. as if, going through a divorce wasnt enough, or even the fact that the car is bad again, or that i worry about work and especially all the time i worry about you my sweet loveys... how will i handle it all. i dont know, i dont know. but ive also had to put up with another incident that hurt very much.

sometimes, certain things happen that make you so angry and upset that you begin to wonder if you are doing nothing but spinning in circles. anger can be such a destructive force in ones life... ive seen these last few days, how it can affect a person to the point of having them lash out at others without any necessity. it is a defense mechanism... to hurt others if you feel threatened for whatever reason.

and boy have i hurt... but the thing is... no matter which way i may be pushed... i am like a pendulum... i will always be centered in the end. though my anger might rage at times, or my tears flow down like flowing fountains without a dam to keep them in check... no matter what.. i am in the end like a pendulum, returning to its place... centered on what is important.

i am free of any barriers that will hold me prisoner of anger or insecurity, i am certain of that, because of the way i am currently swaying at this moment, it has slowed down. i will be centered and serene again. to the point until i reach complete stillness and peace. not worrying about any other storm that may come. if they come, they come. it wont deter me from where i am meant to be... centered in life.

#1 Infinity

2010-06-19T14:14:00.006-04:00

Infinity of love is what a heart can hold if allowed to.

im beginning a new project kids. i still not completely sure on how it will work, but i think whats going to happen is that there will be a weekly theme on which i will be taking my pictures. im doing this with my best friend, so i guess we still need to iron out some wrinkles in our project. but its a pretty cool idea no? i love it. it allows us to be creative and think outside the box.

i wanted to go out for this weeks assignment, i was planning on going by the train tracks and laying down on the tracks themselves and taking a photo of them like that... i wanted to show how they would disappear into the horizon, i thought it would be a nice idea... as in " you cant always tell where your path will lead you too, but you will go far... the future is infinite" something like that.

that didnt really work though since it rained every time i could go out this week and then, i had you guys with me a lot. i didnt want to teach you that its ok to go play in the train tracks >.< lol. go figure... do as i say and not as i do.

anyways, i think, im pretty much pleased with this photo. i mean what i wrote about it... Infinity of love is what a heart can hold if allowed to. its true my babies. it is unbelievable the amount of love one heart can hold if allowed to.

its about time no?

2010-06-17T22:47:00.003-04:00

goodness, i think ive been putting this off long enough. you know, i remember a few years back, i met this really wonderful sweet lady, she was an avid scrapbook lover. anyways, she mentioned how it was important that our children see us. she said, "if anything ever happened to me, would my kids even be able to remember the way i looked?" sigh... so here i am. this is me.

ok, lol. uhm, i got carried away, this is what i look like if i turn the other side, lol. >.< bad joke i know. but still. arg. anyways, i took these right before i went to pick you guys up at school today. wild hair and all... btw kids... my crazy hair as well as my road map that i carry permanently on my tummy... is your fault >.<

lol, love you monkeys.