Sometimes, I do feel a little nostalgic for having married so young in life. I spent all of my twenties changing diapers and burping babies. I guess that for a moment there, time did seem to stop for me, I remember pacing the floor back and forward for hours at a time with a colicky baby while hoping that his screams would not wake anyone else in the house that also searched for sleep like I did. Sleep... the most precious gift one can offer a new mother.
I remember watching the slow moving hands on our old clock and wishing they would discover the game of cat and mouse and decide to play together just so that morning would come and once again return a happy baby to my arms. But such wishes didn't come true for me, I walked alone and sat alone with my baby... I even shed a few tears to keep my baby's tear company during those lonely nights.
Yes, I did spend all my twenties nursing and caring for all of my kids and honestly, if given the oportunity to choose my future when I was a young girl, I would have walked down the same path. I would have chosen all the happy moments, along with all the bad and sad moments. Because of it all, I am who I am today. And because of it all, today I am blessed with 5 wonderful and sweet kids that are growing up too fast.
I still look at the hands of time... but this time, I pray to them to let me enjoy my babies as little kids just one more moment... But they have caught on... and no longer linger at every single step taken. They run now... they run and run... taking along with them my kids and their precious youth from me... But it is not only their youth that time is stealing. You see, time has already had tons of practice for it has stealthily taken mine while I was too busy tending my children all this time... I look in the mirror now and I realize that I am thirty six now and I no longer have that smooth elastic skin I once thought would forever house my body.
No... all I have left are scars that have aggressively taken over my tummy while forcing it to stretch and contort into new shapes while allowing for me to have the hability to be part of Heavenly Father's creation. I also have little visible lines that have settled on my forhead... They belong to all those nights I lay awake worrying about my babies and other personal demonds that have also picked me as host for their amusement. They have toyed with my vulnerable heart all too often. It too is weighed by experiences long ago lived. Those moments, have left footprints on my heart and although we can learn to step over them, they are still there. I see them all around me at different moments in my life... appearing when I am feeling most weak and alone.
I realize that although I might not often speak of these things that I feel and think... I realize that my story is written all over my body, to be discovered by those who love me enough to notice, this is who I am. I am a mother... I am a mother who's life has been blessed in the deepest of ways through my children. I am Gina, the same little girl that my uncle made laugh when he dubbed me his Yina Piccolina. I am the same... grown up now but with a story to tell.
My tale... I will write. Little by little i will let you into my history... little by little I will tell you about every single worry wrinkle that slowly appears on my skin... I will tell you about every single laugh line that is sweetly keeping my smile company as it finds comfort there, it's now permanent home.
Ive learned a lesson tonight as ive written this personal entry... I can never listen to Eminem again while writing. His music messes with my head, makes me remember things, makes me feel things... makes me forget my initial purpose that made me sit down and want to write.
My initial intention was to come and share a photo with you. This is what I wanted to share...
Earlier today, my husband made a salad for dinner tonight. So I wouldnt have to worry about that too. I had little baby Alice to watch today and the kids to feed while attempting my little magic act of being in many places at the same time. Tonight was Young Women and I needed to take both girls while trying to figure out how I was going to go pick them up when they were done with their activity while having my little boys and their bedtime at the same time... Things get overwhelming some times for me... It's barely Wednesday and Ive already been out every single day and evening away from home because of scouts and other things that clutter my calendar.
So to help me, he made a salad...
It was lunch time and I was hungry... So I asked if he could give me a little bit so I could eat while I played mommy to little Alice.
When I asked for a little bit for lunch, I was actually hoping for something a little more than this...
This is what I got and this is what I stared at for a few minutes as the fact that I had just been served something less than a child's portion.
This did after come in the smallest of bowls in my home... bowls so small, we rarely eat off of them... along with that ridiculous small spoon... Maybe this is the new american craze... have your salad with a litle spoon and in a miniature bowl!
I guess I should be grateful, at least I got half a cucumber in there. Im grateful for it, but feel kinda bad because it is barely now that I notice it's presence... At lunch time, I must have just swallowed it whole, since i dont even remember it.
So yeah... ha. let me see... what positive can i take away from this interesting experience Ive had today?
Ahh yes. Never write on an empty stomach while listening to Eminem. For the result will end in a crazy a*s blog post.
Im not going to read through this... I know this entry makes no sense... but honestly, it is just me allowing myself to spit out words i dont often let be heard.
That will be all for now.
Thank you.
16 Years! Congrats!
ReplyDeleteOH - I am so excited to hear your tale!
That salad! Something that my husband would do...must run in the family. But really?! Sometimes I think I spoil Clint too much, and it's my fault when things like the salad happen (which happens a lot actually). I need to start being mean, but don't know if that will help this late in the game.